Finding meaning for my life Part 2

Early this morning I broke a chair with my knee and got and to my surprise I did not care just wiped the blood and moved on. I am tired so tired of living like this and yet I do not have the strength to change. I make plans for change and give immediately after. my plans flunk quicker than it takes for nail polish to dry on the nail. my room is hot, stuffy and filthy. everything is on the floor, a bucket with smelly pee, doom, pieces of a broken chair still on the floor, wallet, clean and dirty clothes, hand and laptop bag, tissues etc. the bookcase looks like mess, dirty dishes, two week old bread in the oven. in short my room is filthy plain and simple, just like my life. am tired am tired. AS I GROW I NEED TO LEARN TO TAKE DECISIONS TO CHANGE MY LIFE NO MATTER HOW IT IS.

Finding meaning to my existance

Every morning wake like a robot or broken record I do the same things. I wake up eat, watch tv, bath and go to work and play with internet the whole day until it is time to go home. I am tired, my body hurts from excessive eating and sleep because that is what I do with my free time. If am not eating I am sleeping if I am  not sleeping am watching tv or watching a movie on my laptop. my room is so filthy it is a rat and cockroaches' paradise.  It is not rare ton find dishes that have not been washed in two weeks or clothes that have not been washed in six months and bedding that has not been washed in a yea or a blanket that has not been washed in 2 years.

I do not care about my appearance, ironically my job requires someone who really cares about their appearance. am 28 and already under debt review, working hard every day to keep up with my fake reputation of being perfect jenny. it is exhausting and most of the time I feel like am carrying mount Everest on my shoulders and trying to climb it at the same time. I just want to be myself whatever that means, I do not even know what I believe anymore because like a wave I go the group am with wants to go at that time. AS I GROW I HAVE TO FIND MY OWN PATH

DYING TO BE ME (THE GIRL INSIDE SCREAMING TO BE HEARD)

everyday I wake up in the morning free and without burdens. then as i prepare for my day start to take my friends with me one by one. stress, rejection, lack of respect etc. my inner person screams and wants to be released, she wants to be heard. As people disrespect her she cries silent cries and invisible tears streams down her face. All she wants is to be heard, to be respected and to be valued. She fights a losing battle everyday to be herself. as people trample on her day in day out, she screams at them with her silent voice and no one can her hear her, no one is willing to listen. She looks in the mirror and sees a stranger looking back. She tries to find meaning to her life, but finds none. she keeps on promising herself I will do better tomorrow, but nothing changes. She fights to be herself, she fights to be heard and understood.

Searching for Meaning

There comes a point in where by you feel like your life is empty and you have no purpose or reason to be here and all you want is to just be, nothing in your life makes sense. it becomes clear to you that you need to recycle all the information you have in your life to become new again. That is where I am now, at a cross road of my path of life. no road seems clear to me and no road promises everlasting joy. what does one do when you find yourself here, that is a one billion dollar question in my search for meaning journey,

AS I GROW

As I grow I come a cross challenges that bring me to my nees. the force me to grow and move out of my comfort zone. at times this challenges threaten to break my spirit, but then through the storm and tribulations I get to be strong and learn to depend on God. As I grow my tears are my best friend as they are the only way to acknowledge the pain am going through. I search for ways to release me from this pain but all my effort are futile. I have learned that sometimes you have to let go, it hurts to let go of something you have loved and cherished for so long, but if am not careful I might store a corpse that needs to be buried in my heart simply because, I do not want to let go of the things that were once lively but now they are dead. Letting go is something that it is easier said than done. As I grow I now understand that I must learn to let go and let God take over. AS I GROW

HITTING BOTTOM AND HAVING NOTHING TO LOOSE

I woke this morning thinking nothing but what to eat, how I can get more credit, how I ant to sleep the whole day and what to watch on tv. Yes am over weight, lazy, bitter, tired, drowning in debt, overwhelmed by fear, panic, anxiety. yep my life is a mess I have been trying for years to change but am so comfortable living this way that change is not an option. my spiritual life is a mess I hardly pray, read the bible or go to church. as you can imagine I spend most of my day with bottom on the bed or in a chair. the reality am faced with early deat or health complications should I not change my life. will I ever change I ONLY I CAN DECIDE THAT. BUT GETTING OUT OF THE COMFORT ZONE IS HARD.

Ever felt hopeless and your so depressed you can't even think straight. that's how i feel at the moment stress is part of me. I often ask myself If it will ever end. my body is in pain because of stress. I often feel like it will never end. Prayer is a foreign concept for me this days. I often blame my job, but the fact is my job has nothing to do with it. the choices I made put me here. What I need now is to make choices that will take me out of this situation. One thing I now is that six months from now I will be testifying about this.